Friday, October 30, 2009

Tell Someone! Get Help!

Earlier this month, a young, 27 year old man violently stabbed his 20 year old girlfriend to death. This tragedy is heartbreaking but it personally brings me pain. You see, the young man was raised in our church as a child. His mother and father divorced when he was very young and the mother took the children and moved several hours away. Answers will never be sufficient and, in reality, it is as if there were two deaths. One family is heartbroken for having their daughter taken away from them and another family is grieving with the knowledge their son/brother will soon be facing the death penalty. Apparently, the young man could not handle another time of rejection. My heart bleeds for both families and my mind wonders if the story would be different if the parents had not divorced and rededicated their lives to God. Of course, I will never know.

On a news website where this case was discussed, there was a discussion concerning risks and also signs to watch for. Please read below some of these risks and warning signs. If you know of anyone who could be at risk, share this information with them and encourage them to seek help.

The RISKS of a woman being killed by someone close to her is significantly increased when the abuser:
Has access to a gun
Has made previous threats or assaults with a gun.
Is extremely jealous
Engages in physical violence of increasing severity and/or frequency.
Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Here are some WARNING SIGNS of domestic violence perpetrators:
(These traits might not be apparent until the person is threatened by a loss of control, such as a breakup of the relationship.)
- Self-centered
- Obsessive
- Refusal to cope with rejection
- Quick and frequent swings from "rage" to "love”
- Constantly questioning or interrogating


  1. This kind of information needs to be shouted from the house tops.


  2. Wow, that is so sad. And that is good info to know, controlling guys are scary.

  3. Mervi - you are so right and it seems as if the church takes a back seat when it comes to this topic. I think this type of information should also be brought about somehow in premarital counseling.

    Jennifer - The best advise I can give you is this - listen to your pastor/dad/parents. Some say love is blind and I believe that to be somewhat true. I have seen many failed marriages because a couple refused to see the warning signs. Make a vow now to not get deeply involved with any boy/man that your pastor/parents do not approve of and, if you become involved with someone and your pastor/parents later see some warning signs, believe them and run from the guy.

  4. Scary as well as sad. Unfortunately we live in the time that although this type of article is in the news daily, people are flocking to the match making dot-coms, the Internet, etc. for companionship. I've often wondered what the results will be in these areas in a few years.

  5. I am a guest, I am being abused by my husband, please pray for me, we are in a pentecostal church and he is completely different at home than he is at church, blames me for everything, has abused me in every way, and has accused me of things I have not done and whats worse, he uses scripture to abuse me and blame me and in all reality he should use those scriptures on himself, I get blamed for everything that goes wrong I get yelled at critisized and abused intimadated and thretened, he says I am contentios and evil, witchcraft and rebellious, sisters I am baptized in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Ghost, I dress modest and love Jesus so what gives? He wants to be in ministry but he is never wrong and never sorry and he treats me like his property and his child insulting me with corrections that should be used on a 5 year old,I wait on him hand and foot all day and night like a servant, I could go on but you get the picture.

  6. Karen - I think there will be much tragedy from internet relationships. More abuse, more divorce. It is sad.

  7. Anonymous - you are not the first person to tell me the same story. I have a dear friend who is a great Christian but suffered abuse for many years by a tyrant who claimed to be so close to God. Honey, you need to seek help. Don't continue to live abused and threatened. The first thing, is talk to your pastor. If you are in a church where the pastor thinks it is ok for your husband to treat you this way, then talk to your presbyter or district superintendent.

    Feel free to e-mail me privately at I would like for you to find good help.

  8. Thank you Sister Jana, I actually found your webpage by typing in David Bernard and domestic abuse signs on the google search bar and your website came up as one of the links. I know that its either in his preaching the apostolic faith or teaching the apostolic faith that has it in there somewhere. My husband and I are going to start marriage classes very soon and I know that alot of stuff is going to come out, thanks you for replying and I will keep your email address at hand if I have need to ask questions. Thank you

  9. Anonymous - If your pastor would agree, you can also seek help through Although our names are not yet on the website, my husband and I are part of the Points of Refuge team. There are several members who will help you anonymously. A member that I highly recommend is:
    Schwerzler, Dale
    Work: (816) 898-4900

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  10. Talked to the pastor, I dont know, my husband was upset with me after we left and embarrassed and I was tactful to the best of my abilty, was told that maybe its inward anger by a friend and he is thinking about things.I hope and pray so, I Do not understand why He accuses me of adultury as well as all of the other stuff he has said and done and I have never commited that against him, never flirted never dated never wanted to but I brought it up before the pastor and was crying that I was innocent and he (husband) told me I had a lying spirit! Told me to stop lying to the pastor! I have contacted a shelter and am about to just give up,I am very depressed, I am not saying I have never lied to him about stuff in the past, usually stupid stuff because I was afraid to tell the truth (like going to the mall or taking my kids on a drive in the country) he thinks I should be home all of the time. I give up, its up to God now.its me "anoymous" again

  11. Anonymous - I'm so sorry for your current situation. Please do what you must to be safe. If you don't mind me asking, is your church in a particular organization? The reason I ask, is because you could call your presbyter or district superintendent and ask to meet with them. In fact, you could ask if they have any shelters in their district. Please do me a favor and ask your pastor if you could have his permission to call Points of Refuge. Then, please call Bro. Schwersler. (His info is in an above comment.) He is a UPC preacher and also has his doctorate in counseling. He has a counseling business. I promise you, he will keep everything confidential and he will give you the right direction and help. Did you advise your pastor of all the types of abuse you are receiving? Your pastor needs to know to what extent you are being hurt. Dear, I believe I am too far from you but I wish I could take you to lunch and help you out of this situation. You can call or e-mail me anyime and remember, I am praying for you.

    if you e-mail me, I will give you my direct phone number.

  12. its me again, I will email you my personal e mail address, I am in a shelter now, had to leave shortly after but I am praying for my husband to realize he needs and seek help. Its very hard on me because I do love him.